Rainbows and fractures

Sorry it’s been a bit quiet on the blog front. I have been off skates for about three very long weeks since I fractured my hip during a fall at practice. I have about three weeks of off skate time left and I am aching to get back on my skates!

More on the war front:
Recently I came out to my friends and family as a lesbian. I have been married for 11 years and I have a daughter who I worked very hard to get pregnant with. However, I have not felt right in my own skin. I have known for a few years that I was interested in women.

When I joined derby, I never expected to meet a woman who I would be willing to throw away my safety net, jump on the high wire, and just start going. But then I met, we will call her DB. There was something about this woman and I knew instantly that I had some connection with her. One day at practice she flirted with me, as she does with everyone, and I knew I had to have her. Long story short, we’ve been together for almost two months.

In those two months I have rediscovered myself. It feels like there has been a damn in my mind and that damn has broken free. I want to write again. I want to make beautiful objects. I want to feel sexy and alive. The best part is, I don’t want to this for her. I want to do this for me! Sure she reaps the benefits, but I am doing it for me!

More on this topic later, but SURPRISE! this blog had been taken over by a roller derby loving, nerdy adventuring, book reading lesbian!

Lessons learned in the past 16 days

In the past two weeks I have found a new side of myself. I have discovered a new passion and a new love in my life! Going down that road I have learned some life lessons.

1.) I have discovered a competitive nature I didn’t know I had, not only against other people but against myself. This sounds like it would be beneficial to growth and all that, but it has lead to some serious frustration on my part. I want to be where everyone else is, speedily skating around the track, learning to block and hit, etc. Instead, I am this timid skater who is going to be an easy target on the track.

2.) I overthink things WAY too much. Last night during practice, I was told to focus on my coach. I did and holy shit! I was skating! The moment I went back to thinking about what I had to do, on my butt I fell!

3.) Derby isn’t a hobby! It is a sport but more than that, it’s a lifestyle and baby, I’m hooked. I wake up barely able to move because I am using muscles I didn’t know I had and my first thought isn’t “what am I doing?” my thought is, “when the hell do I get to practice?”

4.) The girls on my team aren’t teammates. They aren’t friends. They are family! I have never walked into a group of people and felt so welcomed and loved! There are girls on this team who know exactly what I am feeling. We have similar stories. We get each other. I know if anything was to happen on track and off most, if not all, of these girls would have my back!

So maybe isn’t life shattering news for some of my readers but it is important to me. I have finally found a place where I belong. I am accepted 100%! No one thinks I am weird. I don’t have to hold back. I can be myself. I can cry, scream, cuss and shout and as long as I get my ass back up and try again, I am going to make my spot on this team.

Derby Girl or Flailing Giraffe

Two weeks ago today I embarked on a new adventure, renegade roller derby. I have wanted to play derby for years, but I was the kid in the skating rink who was sickened when they told everyone to clear the rink because I was always at the farthest point from the rink exit and was clinging to the wall for dear life.

However, at the Tucson Comic Con I met a group of amazing women told me that I didn’t need to learn how to skate, they would teach me. I just needed to show up on Monday. So Monday I show up with shiny skates, protective gear, this cute little helmet! I spent the next two hours clinging on to my coaches arm and falling on various body parts.

Fast Forward two weeks and I am no longer needing to hold on to someone to skate. I am falling less, but still falling. I have lost almost 8 pounds and gained about five new bruises. I get so extremely frustrated I throw my gear and scream profanities across the track, pick it all up, gear back up, and get back up. I have even cried, which is not something I like to do in public. I am not at the level the other girls are, but I remind myself (ok the entire team reminds me) I have been skating for 2 weeks! And it’s been the best damn two weeks!!